The Last Time

“Once more unto the breech, dear friends, once more.”

I did it. I posted the S (sober) word to my social media accounts. Again.

I’ll be honest, I waffled with this one for days; riddled with anxiety. I spent days from Thanksgiving morning drafting, saving, drafting, saving, drafting and saving posts until finally on Sunday I was like, “OMG Fuck This Shit. This is ridiculous. Beth Dutton this shit.”

SHARE.

And so I did. I posted a before and after photo of myself and a collection of sobriety hashtags that had even me cringing a little.

This is the one I posted. Day 1 vs Day 90.

My anxiety was not totally unfounded. It’s a big deal “coming out” to a world of drinkers; especially since for so long (so long) drinking has just been part of my identity. And, shall we recognize the elephant here? We do own a wine bar, which ironically was dreamed up and put in to motion during my first 90 days of sobriety a few years ago.

I waffled because I was scared. There I said it.

But in the end it was more important to me to be authentic and honest than it was to keep this clean little secret. (Ha)

Here’s a list of some of the fears I had about first, getting sober and staying that way (and by that I mean not just doing a “time-sensitive” challenge, i.e. Sober October, NO-vember, 90 days, one year, etc) and secondly, sharing it publicly:

1. What will people think?

2. What if I fail?

3. What will I do?

4. What will I drink when I’m stressed, sad, depressed, frustrated, happy, celebrating?

5. What about the glass of champagne I won’t be able to have at my kids’ weddings?

6. What about my friends?

7. What about my husband?

8. What about my job?

9. What will people say to my face? Behind my back?

10. Who will be supportive?

11. Who will I lose?

12. Who will be weird around me?

13. Who will want to hang out with me?

14. Who will be my friend?

In the end it was clear that the majority of my fears were rooted in other people and ultimately, other’s opinion of me. And it’s just none of my business what other people think about me anymore.

This isn’t about anyone else. It isn’t about my family or my friends or customers or acquaintances. It’s about me and my health and the way I want to live my life.

And alcohol-free it is.

Day 1 vs. Day 90

I shared this publicly for a couple of reasons: I mean, let’s be honest here, I am an over-sharer AND I wanted to help if someone was out there feeling alone.

‘Cause this sobriety thing can be quite lonely.

I so badly WANT to share all the amazing things sobriety has given me in the past 3 months however, while definitely never intended, these things can be perceived as righteous or somehow “judgey” to the drinker. So, please, keep in mind, if you’re a drinker (and by all means DRINK AWAY) I really, really, really, really don’t care about your drinking habits. I’m not counting how many you’ve had, what time you start or end, or whatever rule you’ve set for yourself.

You do you. I’ll do me.

There are some of you out there that have asked me how. And if there’s the six that reached out, I’m guessing there’s a few more out there that didn’t but still want to know.

The short answer, that no one wants to hear, I definitely did NOT, is that I just decided. I stopped depending on willpower, counting the days, white-knuckling it through events and embraced that my life is just “better’ without it. Everything is better…and I mean everything.

The other question I have gotten is how much I was drinking. Again, short answer was too much…for me. And also, one was just never enough. Ever. I sort of don’t see the point in just one. (Maybe I’ll get further in to detail going forward with this blog but for now I’ll leave it at that. There’s really no reason to compare.)

And I was honest when I said in my post I just couldn’t “do” my life anymore hungover with an ulcer. My life is busy and packed with goals and tasks and people that depend on me. For years I have thought there’s something bigger for me just waiting out there and the only thing holding my back was my drinking.

I’m pretty sure I’m right.

**I am now over one year sober and looking back on this post, it make me so happy.

Hello, World!